Monday, March 29, 2010

Notes From The Animal Kingdom

Been blog quiet because I’ve been mostly on the road. I’d tell you about my experiences hunting rattlesnakes in Sweetwater, Texas, but you’ll just have to wait for my travel book for those tales. Suffice to say, this post gives away at least part of the ending, which is, yes, I survived.

Then I was in LA pitching a movie to be based on my fatherhood memoir, C’mon Papa, which will be published next month. I’ll leave you to make the requisite jokes about LA and further snake hunting. Surprisingly enough, I found the 3 days of chronic storytelling sort of refreshing, in an exhausting, pitch-oriented kinda way. At least I got to tell some folks about my misadventures in Texas, even if it was for purely business purposes.

And it just occurred to me: could I be the first person in history who will use snake hunting expenses as a tax write off? Well, me and Bo, my guide. If he’s still alive. He’d another 2 days to go. According to the usual math, that’s about 100 snakes. If you’re with the IRS, don’t fuck with Bo. That’s my accounting advice to you.

While I didn’t encounter any snakes in LA, I did encounter several animals.

“Why,” I asked the development executive at a very nice production office, “why do you have a 7 foot tall plush giraffe?”

I was sort of disappointed when he didn’t ask, “Which one?”

“Oh,” he said. “Well, everything in this room is designed to be a talking point.”

It was true. We were talking. The giraffe caused it. But now I was trying to imagine what else as a blind guy I was missing in this conference room full of talking points. My assistant had put my hand only on the giraffe when we arrived. How much more could there be? What could there be?

“Beside you,” the executive added, “there are 3 dogs, as well. Stuffed ones.”

I stared at the blindness beside me and slightly recoiled in horror.

“Stuffed stuffed?” I said. “Or, you know, just…stuffed?”

“Oh, just stuffed. They’re props. They were the dogs that stood in for the corpses of the 3 assassinated dogs in A Fish Called Wanda.”

And my heart filled with awe. A true celebrity moment. Here I was within reaching distance of the funniest subplot ever written. It was a talking point that left me speechless. Speechless and stupid, it seems, because what did I do next?

I did my pitch and left without touching the damned dogs.

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